Sunday 16 January 2011

Friends are great

This evening I spent a few hours at a friends house. It was fun! We ate pizza, talked about how much rape jokes suck, read funny stories online, and discussed our plans for the future.
Later on, it struck me how few friends I have. It's partly that I am rarely in the mood for socialising, but also that I find it difficult to be in the company of people who find it appalling that they should have to in any way consider the beliefs of those around them before they speak.

Let me tell you a story which will hopefully illustrate why it is that I often prefer my own company.

It is after the winter break. My closest friend at uni had just arrived back in town. He came straight over to my house to say hello and catch up, as we hadn't seen each other for a fortnight. We sit in the kitchen, chatting, while I cook my dinner. The radio is on in the background. One of my housemates enters the room. My friend, who we shall refer to as "N", and my housemate "B" begin to chat. Somehow the topic turns to child abuse. I am suddenly on edge.

N says: "Well of course, it's only abuse if the child doesn't like it."

N is not a stranger to making these kinds of jokes. I always call him out on it, and usually he backs down and apologises. Not this time. I'm finished in the kitchen so we go upstairs. I try to change the subject, to move on, to not loose another friend. A few minutes later, he starts to call something gay. Corrects himself. Then says "no actually, I should be able to call things gay if I want to. I shouldn't have to limit how I express myself."

An argument ensues. We go over all the same tired old arguments. I start to cry. I'm tired of hanging out with people who insist their right to say exactly whatever the fuck they like without a second of thought as to how it makes me feel. Tired of spending time with people who value me so little that they won't. stop. making. rape "jokes", no matter how many times I tell them it upsets me, no matter how many times I explain survivors listening could be triggered by their words.

Eventually I gave him the ultimatum: "If rape jokes are so important to you, maybe you should just leave." Hoping so, so hard that maybe he would rethink, maybe he would see how much this meant to me, maybe he would consider my feelings for once.

He left without a word.

1 comment:

  1. Hm. Not much of a friend...I suppose leaving was the better thing for him to have done.

    -Barb the French Bean

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